There are two very different definitions of the verb "live." First of these is to exist. Every person is alive and capable of existing. Waking up daily, going to work, coming home again to continue this routine we call life. Breathing, eating, sleeping. But what happens when you break routine? Maybe not so much quit your job and change your whole life, but even just a change from routine thinking. Step outside the lines we draw. Stop existing and start living the other form of this verb "live": thrive.
I am determined to do just that. It's not to say I haven't had great experiences and lived a great 23 years so far. It's just that I find myself wanting more. Throughout my life I've experienced the good and the bad, but I see that I have let myself fall into a sort of hole. And the more I look around, I realize there are many people who do the exact same thing I have.
Many would be surprised to know that for the last nine years I have deeply struggled with anxiety. Majority of the time, this struggle was more to cover my anxiety up rather than deal with the root of the problem and seek help. I spent all this time trying to be "normal" and trick people into believing nothing was wrong. This led to a spiral affect-- anxiety about my anxiety. You can see how this streamlined me into that hole.
My anxiety really took over my life. I did well in school, but struggled socially and when it came to being confident in myself. I was so afraid of not being loved or accepted, or for that matter accepting myself, that I thrived on unhealthy habits and relationships. I partied and drank heavily as an escape, because I didn't feel the anxiety when I was inebriated. I ran into the wrong people who took advantage of my kind heart, and didn't let the ones who deserved my love have it. I let what I loved in life, including my friends, slide beyond reach. They were still there for me, but I know it was not easy or desirable at times. I found myself lethargic and unmotivated, putting effort only into what was easy.
Changing My Ways.
I had someone a couple months ago ask me "Julie, what do you love?" After hesitation I answered with a fairly generic response and sneakily switched to the next subject. I don't think at that time I understood the depth of that question. And at this point I'm still figuring that answer out.
One thing I know I love most in life is relationships. My friends and family greatly contribute to my happiness and who I am. I know I've failed plenty of times, but I try to be the best person I can for them. I want them to see and know I love them without a doubt. They say the greatest thing in life is to love and be loved in return, and I couldn't agree more. This is more important than anything.
Another love of mine is culture and diversity. It amazes me how different each person's life is, and how we will never fully understand another person's life, because we are not the one living it. For this reason, and for the sake of relating to others, it is imperative to have a diverse understanding of the world and its people. This can be found through travel and open-mindedness. Traveling has made me a more humble, understanding, patient person, and it's something I love most in life.
Other things I love include outdoor activity like swimming, hiking, biking, snowboarding. I love painting. I love acquiring new hobbies and interests. I love learning and expanding my mind (though in the past I have looked at learning opportunities as tasks and just learned enough to get by. Huge mistake). I love the beauty of the world around me.
